Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
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Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
reduce, reuse, recycle
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.