I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
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Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
sliding into dms like
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs