Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
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Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
BaD BoY!!
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Can’t, holding a grudge
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.