Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
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I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….