Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
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My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
thank god
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.