At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
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Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked