If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
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Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
why no one uses midhusbands
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…