*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
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You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Oh hi lol
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
My beach vacation Google searches
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea