🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
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*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
58.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.