Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
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Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.