Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
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Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
only 11 steps left
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.