Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
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we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today