7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
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wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC