The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
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this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
💁🏻♂️
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me