Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
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A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
New favorite tiktok
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot