if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
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You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
My flabber has been gasted.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.