She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
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Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”