If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
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you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Greeting humans vs their dogs
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.