To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
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“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles