kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
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The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE