As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
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A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
good for her
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.