Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
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me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Something Saturday.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.