If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
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“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
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8
9
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18
90Me: Nailed it.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.