Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
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If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Message from the dog groomers
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I have so many questions.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher