Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
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Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.