Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
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A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
you stereotypes are all alike
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
as is their right
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER