The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
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“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Very problematic
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Hot Hot Hot
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.