You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
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The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Very good! 👍😂
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣