It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
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I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”