My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
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To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.