I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
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Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying