I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
You Might Also Like
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
*mops up wine with cat*
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂