I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
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$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.