Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
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Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
😆this is so true
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Coffee is ready.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Love this guy
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me