*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
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Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*