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Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
*names my little horse OneTrick*
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars