when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
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My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she canβt wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone sheβs the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, Iβm feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
I think Iβll take the swab. Thanks though.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
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A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
When Iβm having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said βoh yeah I forgot about himβ. She has no clue how funny this is.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Instead of saying βIβll use the wheelchair ramp,β I like to say βIβm hitting the slopes.β