To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
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Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.