Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
You Might Also Like
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.