I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
You Might Also Like
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
That’s it.I’m out.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.