“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
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I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Am I having a stroke?
Matt Goss
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us