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Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
DOOO EEEET
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Mhm.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them