Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
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Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Me driving through Toronto
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is