Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
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I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Siri, fight Alexa.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief