Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
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*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Spotted in New Orleans.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.