I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
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Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”