News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
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Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
sensitive skin
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.