the clam before the storm
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ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius