When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
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I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.