Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
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*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.